Twilight Princess Chapter 2: You a Wolf Now, Link!

I'm on a posting frenzy right now! But that's a good thing. On with the show!

This post ended up being longer than I expected it to be, so you might want to grab a snack or something.

When I woke up...I had paws.















What is this, Teen Wolf or something? I struggled to my feet and then noticed I was chained to the floor.
















Well, that's no fun at all. I ran around in circles for a moment (more on that later) until Midna showed up, being a creeper as usual.















As an aside, this game is death on my cell phone's camera. I may have to break out the big guns.

She insulted me for a bit while I growled at her, and then decided to help me! Ooh, mysterious. I don't know whether I should trust her or not.















After she cut my chain, I was supposed to find a way out of the cell. Me being me, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to get out of the cell before I remembered how I could do a spin attack with the nunchuk and destroy the box in the corner. Success! I dug my way out of the cell, and we proceeded with the prison break.















I remember how awesome I thought this all was the first time I played the game. This is so cool! I'm a wolf! Stuck in a dungeon somewhere, with no idea where I am! It's all so mysterious! And I have a freaky imp woman riding me! How could this possibly get any weirder?

And then those little black twilight creatures showed up. Like something out of nightmare. Ugh.

Okay, back to the present time. While wandering through the dungeon, I encountered a spirit.















That font style isn't doing anything for my camera. Just sayin'.

Anyway, he's babbling about the twilight creatures, pretty much incoherent with fear. Poor guy. I pressed on.

Eventually I came to a passageway that was blocked by bars, and Midna went to the other side of the bars and said I'd have to do things by myself for a while. I forgot what a jerk Midna is sometimes. This is kind of a theme in these games, isn't it? Well, I could handle myself just fine. After I made my way to where she was...















...she had to pepper me with more insults. I am not Fenris, lady! I have a name!

Eventually we made it out of the dungeon, and I was treated to a cutscene revealing that we were, in fact, at Hyrule Castle. NO!!!















So we made our way across the rooftops toward the tower in the distance. Along the way I fought a bird, but made a slight miscalculation in my trajectory when I leaped at it to attack it. The bird died and I fell off the roof to my death we continued onward.

Finally we reached the aforementioned tower, and Midna took a minute to comment on the...weather.
















Midna, you so crazy! It's like you don't want me to trust you.

So we continued into the tower, made our way up the stairs, and went into a room with a shadowy cloaked figure...















Who could it possibly be?















Oh, I see. She's a weird...noseless...woman. Oh, wait, that's just the bloom screwing up my picture.
















She proceeds to tell a story about how the kingdom got taken over by weirdos and she had to choose between surrender or death. I say she needs to get a better army. What a bunch of chumps.
















And look at this guy!















You know what that reminds me of?


















Yeah. Real scary, guy. Okay, back to the story.

Finally the spooky cloaked lady revealed herself as Princess Zelda. Link immediately forgot all about Ilia. Ilia? Ilia who?
















After she finished her story, she told me to get out because the guard is coming. Okay. But first I had to take a second to rampage all around her room and roll around on the bed, because that's what wolves do.















So we left the tower and Midna immediately started taunting me again.
















After she was done, and I was done growling at her, she warped me back to the spring where everything went wrong in the first place. But...I was still a wolf? This perturbed Link a little bit.
















Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I decided to head for town and see what was going on. But first, a squirrel stopped me a for a chat.















Okay, Mr. Squirrel. You just run along now and find yourself some acorns. Mr. Wolf has important work to do.

My objective here was to find a sword and shield, "for Midna." Okay then. The only problem with that was that those kids' worthless dad was hanging out on top of the nearby bluff, sending a hawk to attack me whenever I got too close and blocking the way into the house with the shield. I decided to ask the village dog for help.
















Completely worthless.

Well, anyway, the first order of business was to get rid of the hawk guy. Midna helped me jump up on the roof of another house nearby, and then I jumped over to the bluff, scared the crap out of the guy, and sent him scurrying back to wherever it is he lives. Problem solved. Then I was able to get into the other house and steal appropriate the shield.















Next: sword. Along the way, I encountered a chicken who is quite a tease, indeed.















You have no idea, chicken.

Anyway, then I dug my way into Rusl's house.















Huh. I just noticed that the shield on Link's back kinda looks like the wolf has a red Afro. Interesting.

On my way out, I encountered this poor frog.















Totally unprepared for his encounter with history. I'm disappointed in you, frog.

Once I had the sword and shield, it was time to go to Faron Province. But as I was running by the spring, a mysterious voice called to me...
















A goat. The guardian spirit of Ordon Province is a goat. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. Well, whatever. She tells me the other guardian spirits of the world have "lost their light" and "need help." What else is new? I agreed to help the spirits, and we went on our way.

Along the way, Midna decided to mess around with the sword and shield.















I growled at her for being silly, and then she scolded me for wasting time when she was the one screwing around with our equipment in the first place.
















Okay! Let's go!

So, we got to the doorway and Midna dragged me through. Before we could get to the next guardian spirit, though, I had to fight three Twilight Beasts. Midna taught me that nifty little trick with the energy field to kill all three of them at once, and we died continued on.

The spirit was pretty weak, but still able to talk.















Well, no duh. I didn't notice anything at all. Did you notice anything, Midna? Oh, that I'm a wolf, maybe?

The guardian spirit gave me a grapevine thing and told me to collect the Tears of Light. Oh, great, more fetch quests. Wonderful. Midna and I took off, killing Twilight Bugs along the way. I rediscovered my tendency toward making Wolf Link run around in circles while waiting for the Tears of Light to drift low enough for me to catch them.

Eventually, we found the big clearing from when the kids ran off chasing the monkey, except this time it was full of a nasty purple mist reminiscent of Majora's Mask.















Midna had to help me jump across the purple mist by leaping on various objects sticking out of it. After I made my way through that obstacle course, I found...the monkey from before hiding on a post, with the last two Twilight Bugs crawling around. I quickly dispatched them.
















Yes, monkey. Someone...someone helped you.

After the monkey was done stating the obvious, I grabbed the last two Tears of Light, and a miracle occurred!
















Yay! We did it! The game is over! Oh, wait...I guess not. What the...is that a monkey?















A monkey with a really big tail. Okay. So Faron tells me I'm the chosen one, destined to save the world from evil, blah blah blah, nothing I haven't already heard a million times before. Then he said something about my clothes. My...clothes?















I'm human again! It's a MIRACLE!

Faron told me something about how most people turn into spirits when the twilight overtakes them, but I'm special because I turned into a wolf instead. Okay...

Eventually the conversation ended and Faron left. Now I'm supposed to do something at the Forest Temple. I don't know, I kind of stopped listening toward the end.















So, I headed back through the newly-deTwilighted Faron Province. Along the way, I decided to check on the oil-seller guy. He was fine...and more importantly, he had a bottle full of oil for sale! And by some miracle, I had enough Rupees to buy it.
















When I got to the clearing full of purple fog, that monkey showed up again and stole my lantern! Incensed, I chased after her, but that seemed to be what she wanted me to do. She was clearing the way for me! Well...what a nice monkey...I guess.

After we were done making our way through the fog, the monkey dropped my (now empty) lantern and ran off yet again, leaving me to make my way forward alone. Well, thanks for all your help.

At almost the entrance of the temple, I ran into a golden wolf.















I ran up to it and suddenly found myself...somewhere else. Facing a guy that looks a whole lot like a Stalfos. His first order of business is to insult me. At some point I just want to pull a Cartman and say, "Screw you guys! I'm going home." Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to do that in this game.















But he taught me the Ending Blow! Now I can do something when my enemies are stunned on the ground instead of just standing there waiting for them to get up!

After the teaching sequence was over, the screen faded in on Link getting up from where he'd been lying on the ground facedown. Apparently I just pass out and drool on the ground for a while whenever I find a golden wolf. That's cool, I guess.

And with that, I reached the entrance to the Forest Temple. Next time: Monkeys. Lots of monkeys.

Twilight Princess Chapter 1: Saving the World, One Herd of Goats at a Time

I had some extra time today that I didn't anticipate, so I decided to get started on Twilight Princess. I'll preface this game by saying that I first bought Twilight Princess (the Wii version) back when it first came out in 2006, but I wasn't able to procure a Wii and play the game until January of '07. I don't know exactly when I beat the game, although I know I had it done by August '07, but I'm sure it was a lot earlier than that. I haven't played regularly since then, so I've forgotten a lot about playing the game. So, I'll have a lot to re-learn, is what I'm getting at here.

Okay. Anyway.















Rusl (I think) and I were chilling by a stream, talking about...twilight, or something...and Rusl asked me to deliver some sword to the Hyrule Royal Family.















Being the pushover I am (do your own damn work!) I agreed to deliver the sword. I might regret this later.

The next day, Fado showed up at my house bright and early to ask me to herd his goats. Apparently I work for him or something.















Fine, fine, I'll herd your goats. But first I have to find my horse, who mysteriously disappeared during the night. I decided to look for her at the spring where Rusl and I were hanging out last night, and...success!















Ilia, Link's main squeeze, made off with my horse (who has horrible-looking knees). The way she fusses over the horse, you'd think it was hers or something.
















Oh, yeah. She's definitely his main squeeze. He doesn't even care that she took the horse without asking.

After I got done herding the goats, I had to go back to the house and talk to the kids. Apparently some woman in town was selling a slingshot.

















But, this being a Zelda game, I couldn't just go buy the slingshot, because the lady who runs the shop got all depressed after her cat ran away. First I had to go into town and use a piece of hawk grass to catch a hawk.















Then I had to use the hawk to steal a baby cradle back from the monkey who stole it in the first place. After I threw the baby cradle at her brought the baby cradle back to the pregnant chick who lost it in the first place, she gave me a fishing pole her son made for me.















Then I had to go over to the nearby stream, where the store owner's cat was sitting there staring wistfully at all the fish swimming around. The cat then stole the second fish I caught, ran off and went into the shop through the super-secret cat door.















When I went into the shop, the owner was all perked up. She, of course, gave the cat credit for catching the fish, not me. "Isn't it so cute??" Whatever, lady.















Let's not forget the whole having-to-scrounge-up-30-rupees thing to buy the slingshot with.

Anyway, after a so-PC message about recycling (she gave me a bottle half-full of milk) I was able to buy the slingshot. When I got to my house, I had to demonstrate how to use it to all the village children. Yay, cool, etc. After I was done, Rusl informed me that he'd dropped something off in my house. It'd better be some Rupees or a Piece of Heart or something...oh, nope, it's a wooden sword.















Apparently the sword was broken or something. Why wouldn't you just carve a new one? I mean, what did Rusl do? Glue it back together? Good luck with that.

Of course, once I went back outside with the sword, the kids made me show off more of my moves. I was happy to oblige.















I think this girl wants to get Link alone and make him "show her" his "special moves," if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

After I was done showing off, a monkey showed up. The kids promptly took off chasing it.















I hopped on my horse and took off after them. As we galloped down the path, I kept encountering kids who'd dropped out of the pursuit and stopping to talk to them, nearly running them over in the process. Not that they said anything particularly important, but I thought their cowering before the horse's hooves was cute.

Eventually I came to a dark tunnel and hung a left to go to the tumbledown shack in a clearing nearby, where some guy was selling lanterns and oil. He gave me a lantern for free!















Obviously "lantern" is on the list of things all heroes require in order to find success in life.

Armed with my trusty lantern, I went through the scary tunnel and found myself in a forest full of monsters. Good thing I had a wooden sword! I made my way through the forest, being awesome as usual, until I found what I consider to be one of the biggest letdowns in the game*:
















Five Pieces of Heart? You've gotta be kidding me. This is worse than the search for the Triforce Chunks in Wind Waker.

After I was done fighting baddies, and shortchanging that bird who runs the shop right before the Forest Temple...oh, yeah, I was looking for someone here. Somehow he got put into a wooden cage with the monkey he was chasing. That's...interesting. Well, they were both screaming their heads off in fear, so I decided it was my duty to break them out of the cage.















After I broke them out of the cage, the monkey (presumably) ran off and I escorted the kid back to town. They all thanked me profusely for protecting the kid from...something.

Another day went by, and it was finally time for me to take the sword to Hyrule!















...until Ilia noticed a scratch on the horse's leg and totally flipped out.
















Bonus points if you get the reference with the names here (I'm sorry).

So she stormed off with my horse again. I swear, it's like the horse is hers.

Two seconds later, a goat escaped from the farm due to Fado's ineptitude, but I managed to put a stop to the goat's rampage, because I'm awesome like that.
















It's okay! I'm on the case. I figured the most likely place they'd go was the spring, so I went down there and found Colin standing in front of the locked gates. Ilia wouldn't let me into the spring (funny, I never noticed those gates there before) and said she wouldn't talk to me until I changed my attitude. Whatever. Colin said he'd tell her about how awesome I am while I snuck around to the spring's other entrance, and it worked!
















Well, cool, Ilia. I'm glad I need your permission to take my horse anywhere.

And then...all hell broke loose. All of a sudden a whole bunch of Moblins (I think) broke into the spring, riding on giant boars, knocking everyone out, including me...
















...and inspecting the backs of everyone's hands. Which reminds me. Why do I already have the Triforce mark on the back of my hand? Did I see it and just go, "Hey, cool, the mark of the Triforce. Oh well."? I mean, it's not like anyone else has it. I never quite understood that.

Anyway, I eventually woke up and staggered away from the spring to look for my friends...and found THIS.















But before my befuddled brain could process the strange...doorway? A mysterious hand shot out of it and pulled me inside. OH NO!

WHAT HORRIBLE THINGS COULD BE AWAITING ME NEXT?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN...CHAPTER 2!


*I'm kidding about letdowns, really. I loved almost everything about this game. Making it take 5 Heart Pieces to make a Heart Container? Not so much.