Friday, July 22, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 1: Saving the World, One Herd of Goats at a Time

I had some extra time today that I didn't anticipate, so I decided to get started on Twilight Princess. I'll preface this game by saying that I first bought Twilight Princess (the Wii version) back when it first came out in 2006, but I wasn't able to procure a Wii and play the game until January of '07. I don't know exactly when I beat the game, although I know I had it done by August '07, but I'm sure it was a lot earlier than that. I haven't played regularly since then, so I've forgotten a lot about playing the game. So, I'll have a lot to re-learn, is what I'm getting at here.

Okay. Anyway.

Rusl (I think) and I were chilling by a stream, talking about...twilight, or something...and Rusl asked me to deliver some sword to the Hyrule Royal Family.

Being the pushover I am (do your own damn work!) I agreed to deliver the sword. I might regret this later.

The next day, Fado showed up at my house bright and early to ask me to herd his goats. Apparently I work for him or something.

Fine, fine, I'll herd your goats. But first I have to find my horse, who mysteriously disappeared during the night. I decided to look for her at the spring where Rusl and I were hanging out last night, and...success!

Ilia, Link's main squeeze, made off with my horse (who has horrible-looking knees). The way she fusses over the horse, you'd think it was hers or something.

Oh, yeah. She's definitely his main squeeze. He doesn't even care that she took the horse without asking.

After I got done herding the goats, I had to go back to the house and talk to the kids. Apparently some woman in town was selling a slingshot.

But, this being a Zelda game, I couldn't just go buy the slingshot, because the lady who runs the shop got all depressed after her cat ran away. First I had to go into town and use a piece of hawk grass to catch a hawk.

Then I had to use the hawk to steal a baby cradle back from the monkey who stole it in the first place. After I threw the baby cradle at her brought the baby cradle back to the pregnant chick who lost it in the first place, she gave me a fishing pole her son made for me.

Then I had to go over to the nearby stream, where the store owner's cat was sitting there staring wistfully at all the fish swimming around. The cat then stole the second fish I caught, ran off and went into the shop through the super-secret cat door.

When I went into the shop, the owner was all perked up. She, of course, gave the cat credit for catching the fish, not me. "Isn't it so cute??" Whatever, lady.

Let's not forget the whole having-to-scrounge-up-30-rupees thing to buy the slingshot with.

Anyway, after a so-PC message about recycling (she gave me a bottle half-full of milk) I was able to buy the slingshot. When I got to my house, I had to demonstrate how to use it to all the village children. Yay, cool, etc. After I was done, Rusl informed me that he'd dropped something off in my house. It'd better be some Rupees or a Piece of Heart or something...oh, nope, it's a wooden sword.

Apparently the sword was broken or something. Why wouldn't you just carve a new one? I mean, what did Rusl do? Glue it back together? Good luck with that.

Of course, once I went back outside with the sword, the kids made me show off more of my moves. I was happy to oblige.

I think this girl wants to get Link alone and make him "show her" his "special moves," if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

After I was done showing off, a monkey showed up. The kids promptly took off chasing it.

I hopped on my horse and took off after them. As we galloped down the path, I kept encountering kids who'd dropped out of the pursuit and stopping to talk to them, nearly running them over in the process. Not that they said anything particularly important, but I thought their cowering before the horse's hooves was cute.

Eventually I came to a dark tunnel and hung a left to go to the tumbledown shack in a clearing nearby, where some guy was selling lanterns and oil. He gave me a lantern for free!

Obviously "lantern" is on the list of things all heroes require in order to find success in life.

Armed with my trusty lantern, I went through the scary tunnel and found myself in a forest full of monsters. Good thing I had a wooden sword! I made my way through the forest, being awesome as usual, until I found what I consider to be one of the biggest letdowns in the game*:

Five Pieces of Heart? You've gotta be kidding me. This is worse than the search for the Triforce Chunks in Wind Waker.

After I was done fighting baddies, and shortchanging that bird who runs the shop right before the Forest Temple...oh, yeah, I was looking for someone here. Somehow he got put into a wooden cage with the monkey he was chasing. That's...interesting. Well, they were both screaming their heads off in fear, so I decided it was my duty to break them out of the cage.

After I broke them out of the cage, the monkey (presumably) ran off and I escorted the kid back to town. They all thanked me profusely for protecting the kid from...something.

Another day went by, and it was finally time for me to take the sword to Hyrule!

...until Ilia noticed a scratch on the horse's leg and totally flipped out.

Bonus points if you get the reference with the names here (I'm sorry).

So she stormed off with my horse again. I swear, it's like the horse is hers.

Two seconds later, a goat escaped from the farm due to Fado's ineptitude, but I managed to put a stop to the goat's rampage, because I'm awesome like that.

It's okay! I'm on the case. I figured the most likely place they'd go was the spring, so I went down there and found Colin standing in front of the locked gates. Ilia wouldn't let me into the spring (funny, I never noticed those gates there before) and said she wouldn't talk to me until I changed my attitude. Whatever. Colin said he'd tell her about how awesome I am while I snuck around to the spring's other entrance, and it worked!

Well, cool, Ilia. I'm glad I need your permission to take my horse anywhere.

And then...all hell broke loose. All of a sudden a whole bunch of Moblins (I think) broke into the spring, riding on giant boars, knocking everyone out, including me...

...and inspecting the backs of everyone's hands. Which reminds me. Why do I already have the Triforce mark on the back of my hand? Did I see it and just go, "Hey, cool, the mark of the Triforce. Oh well."? I mean, it's not like anyone else has it. I never quite understood that.

Anyway, I eventually woke up and staggered away from the spring to look for my friends...and found THIS.

But before my befuddled brain could process the strange...doorway? A mysterious hand shot out of it and pulled me inside. OH NO!



*I'm kidding about letdowns, really. I loved almost everything about this game. Making it take 5 Heart Pieces to make a Heart Container? Not so much.


Brandi said...

Watching Brent beat the game was nice and all, wasn't as entertaining as reading your witty remarks about said game. Fabulous work! And, what is up with the ridiculous 5 pieces to make it whole nonsense so many games force us through? Just give it up if we achieve something! Lame.

adejaan said...

Ha, your feedback is appreciated. And yeah, the 5 pieces thing is total crap.