Thursday, August 25, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 12: Hero vs. Wild starring Link Grylls

I'll start off this post by saying I've never watched an episode of "Man vs. Wild" in my life.

Now then.

Last time I played, I was instructed to go to the Sacred Grove and find the Master Sword. After some deliberation, I eventually remembered where to go to get there - I forgot you have to go up by the entrance of the Forest Temple to get in there. So, I made my way to the Forest Temple.

When I got there, I encountered one of the monkeys from before being taunted by...straw men, or something. I forget what those things are called...

Anyway, I took them by surprise with my wolfishness and quickly dispatched them.

Just like before, the monkey was surprised that I helped her. Does no one ever help her with anything in her life? She's just a downtrodden monkey, being kicked at every turn?

Well, whatever. Since I'm such a nice guy wolf, she decided to help me by telling me where to go. Thanks, monkey.

Well, now we know where to go. Let's go, Midna!

Ooh, more rope-walking. Good thing Wolf Link has all the nimbleness of Walking on a rope. Do wolves ever walk on ropes? Has a wolf ever tiptoed across a rope? I'm thinking no.

Also, sorry for all the blurry pictures today. Clearly the excitement of playing Twilight Princess is fraying my delicate nerves.

Along the way to the Sacred Grove, I encountered another Howling Stone. This time we howled the Prelude of Light, wincing at Wolf Link's godawful howling. This is a concept that really should have been scrapped.

After the howling was over, we kept moving and eventually arrived at the Sacred Grove, or Lost Woods, or whatever this area is supposed to be. I don't know.

And then...I heard it. A trumpet, or whatever that instrument is supposed to be. It was my mortal enemy...a SKULL KID! I hate this guy! But not as much as I hate the mailman.

All blowing his horn and laughing like an annoying little kid and hopping around just out of reach. I'll get you, Skull Kid.

So the Skull Kid led me on a merry chase through the forest, occasionally summoning his minions to kill me. You know, all in good fun. The music for this area sounds like something straight out of Majora's Mask - I had to fight a wild desire to turn the game off. So I had to run through the forest listening for the Skull Kid's horn playing along with the music, then find him and bite him so he'd do that stupid laugh again and open a new section of forest to search through. Good times.

Finally we got to an arena where the Skull Kid just hung out and summoned ever-increasing numbers of minions. I had to bite him a couple of times to make him squeal and eventually he just took off. Yeah, that's right, run away.

In the next area, I encountered a couple of stone giants who had a puzzle for me to solve.

What are you, half octopus? Goofy statue...

Oooooookay. Yeah, this looks fun. Or not.

I'm not going to lie. I screwed around with the statues for a while, then gave up and checked my player's guide. I don't like these kinds of puzzles! They're not good for my self-esteem.

Anyway...victory! The door to the Sacred Grove opened.

And in the that the Master Sword I see?

Yes, I believe it is!

I like how the pedestal is just sitting there on the ground. No frills. It's just there.


That's kinda...weird. But cool nonetheless.

And with that, I'm back to being human!

Thoughtful Midna is thoughtful. Now I can use the Shadow Crystal to turn into a wolf whenever I want to! Yay!

And with was time to draw the sword from the pedestal. Be my cheerleader, Midna!

Yeah! I'm the real hero now, baby! Zelda, I'm gonna save you somehow!

Truly, I am...the Hero of Time Hero of...Something!

With this sword, I can take down any enemy with the greatest of ease!

Geez, Midna, don't look so surprised. You're the one who said I was special, in your backhanded-compliment sort of way.

Sigh. Of course you do. Okay, what do you want now?

You know what? No. No, I will not help you find your precious mirror. Why do you want it? So you can primp and pout about what you really look like? Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to know that yet. Dammit! Fine, I'll help you find your dumb mirror. Happy now? I guess I can spare some time now that the Master Sword is finally mine.

Midna's advice was to head for Castle Town, but first I decided to hit up the golden wolf right outside. This time, the dead hero grudgingly complimented me!

Cool. I learned the Back Slice ability and moved on. Yay, a move that's essentially recycled from Wind Waker. What else is new?

At the bar, of course, Telma had take the opportunity to show off her "goods."

Real subtle, woman. You realize this kid is like 15, right? Yeah...that's not gonna end well for you.

We went over and introduced ourselves, then took a look at the map on the table. Looks like we're supposed to head to Lake Hylia to talk to some guy...about going to the Gerudo Desert! Ooh, exciting.

This guy looks familiar.'s Rusl. What are you doing here, guy? Don't you have kids to take care of? And a pregnant wife? Get back home already.

After I was done talking to the freedom fighters, it was time to head to Lake Hylia. I made my way down to the lake, and after some slight ineptitude and falling into the water, I made my way to the guy I was supposed to talk to.

Auru, right. I knew his name started with an A. And yeah, of course I know Telma. She's only been throwing herself at me since the first time I met her.

Before he sent me on my way, Auru filled me in on what's going on. I'm being sent to the Gerudo Desert to look for the Mirror of an old prison? Oh, this is going to end well.

After Auru was done talking, he gave me a letter to give to Fyer and sent me on my way. Fyer, in turn, was kind enough to catapult me into the desert! Just what I always wanted.

Before I could head out, though, Midna stopped me for a heart-to-heart. Apparently her people did Bad Things way back in the day.

Bad Twili! Bad!

That's what you get for doing Bad Things, Twili. Let that be a lesson to you!

That wasn't all, however. Midna had a HUGE REVELATION to make!

Really? I never would have guessed that.

Turns out the shadow beasts are Twili who got turned into beasts by Zant. So...I've been murdering Twilight people every time I kill one of them as a wolf? That's...kinda disturbing.

Okay, well, let's move on. Yay, we're in the desert!

Yay, desert.

I had to find a little encampment and then kill the enemies there so I could commandeer one of the giant boars.

Then I had to use the boar to break down a bunch of gates so I could get to the next area! Wonderful. In the next area I basically had to fight my way through a gauntlet of never-ending enemies, shooting down archers, until I finally killed the last archer and the enemies stopped coming. And one of them dropped a key that led into a very dark area...that contained the Moblin guy I had two bridge run-ins with, plus a random boar. Lame.

As soon as he saw me he whipped out his axe and knocked me across the room with it.

Okay, you asked for it. It's beatdown time!

He was really easy to beat. Probably because I just stood behind him the whole time and hit him over and over with my sword.

He didn't bother to wait until I was done gloating before he got up and scurried off...and two seconds later the entire room burst into flames.

I had to get on the boar and crash through a series of gates to get to the the Arbiter's Grounds!

And that brings me to the end of today's post. Next time: Arbiter's Grounds!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 11: Bizarro-Midna Must Be Saved!

I have returned...from wherever it was I was. Was. Well, I'm back.


Midna and I teleported back to the Spirit Spring after leaving Lakebed Temple...and things went bad almost immediately!

Well, it's Ponda Baba our good friend Zant again. Hello, weirdo.

Ooh, he does such a good job of towering over me. I'm still wearing the Zora Armor for some reason. Watch me try to look like a badass wearing that.

Suddenly the snake god showed up and went all crazy, but Zant dismissed him. I forget how exactly. Anyway, then Zant made the Twilight come back, and I turned back into a wolf. How rude!

Midna is pissed. And when Midna's pissed, bad things happen. Or...something.

Before she could do anything, though, Zant started manhandling her and found the Fused Shadows.

Being the bad guy he is, he had to monologue for a while before he killed us, or whatever he was planning on doing.

Well...actually, yeah. You got a problem with that?

Zant went on to call Midna a traitor, and then said something about how he was her king, which only pissed her off more.

ZING! Take that, Zant! Why don't you take your stupid little helmet and get out of here, you jerk?

Oooh, scary! I wonder who Zant's god is? I'm sure we'll find out just as soon as the plot deems it necessary. I bet I could guess who it is a lot faster than that.

So then Zant hit me in the face with a goofy black crystal thing...


And then Zant manhandled Midna some more and his monologue got all whispery.

Oppressed you? ME? I thought I was just a simple farmboy eking out my existence by moisture-farming herding goats in the middle of nowhere?

Consort? She likes me? Gee, I never would have gotten that impression. You know, because she treats me like crap all the time.

Uhhhhh...this really isn't what it looks like. And his mouth is, like, stitched together or something. Creepy.

Oh. He wants her power. How typical.

Of course, Midna refused to lend him her power, so he had to punish her. By...forcing her into the light, or something. Then he dropped us in the middle of Hyrule Field.

How nice of him, to just dump us in the middle of nowhere. Wolf Link is not pleased.

So, I was stranded in Hyrule Field with Midna, whose colors had all been reversed so she was now a bizarro Alternate Universe version of herself. I almost expect her to have a goatee.

So the snake told me to take Midna to Princess Zelda to heal her. Wait. Why is it so imperative that Midna be healed? She's been using me for the last three dungeons! Ugh...fine, I'll drag her to Castle Town. She'd better thank me for this.

Once in Castle Town, I wasn't sure where to go, as I had no memory of this part of the game. So I wandered aimlessly all over town and finally talked to some of the cats that were wandering around. One of them mentioned Telma's cat, Louise, so I decided to head to the bar and see what would happen.

Unfortunately, I got kicked out of the bar. But as I was leaving, Louise found me!

Sadly, yes.

Really? I hadn't noticed what I looked like. Or what the weird imp on my back looked like. Get out of my way, you stupid cat.

Yeah. We have to get to Zelda! I have to make sure she's all right! Now get out of my way, I've got a princess to check on.

So the cat stepped aside and we went into the bar's secret entrance. I had to sneak across ropes across the ceiling and (presumably) avoid knocking over any of the jars scattered around the edges of the walls or falling onto the floor. Along the way, I eavesdropped on Telma:

She's referring to me, of course. I forgot to mention how everyone who saw me while I was running through town screamed and cowered in fear. Wimps.

After I got out of the bar, I found myself in Jovani's house. You know, that guy who was so greedy he sold his soul for riches and get himself turned into a gold statue.

Immediately afterward, I killed a Poe lurking in a corner of the house...and ripped out its soul! Wolf Link is totally a BAMF.

So then I went over and had a nice little chat with Jovani.

After I left Jovani's house, I had to make my way through the Castle Town sewers to get to my destination. I had no memory of doing this whatsoever. Like, at all. I had to kill some really big spiders, set webs on fire, kill bats, all kinds of stuff. Nothing was familiar to me. It was like I'd never played through that section of the game before. This included having to make my way back through the dungeon area I had to make my way through back when I first got turned into a wolf.

This time I had to climb across a lot more ropes to get to the top of the tower. You know, tiptoeing across ropes isn't something you really envision wolves doing. Isn't that more of a cat thing? Why did they go with Wolf Link when they could have had Tiger Link or Lion Link instead? Well, food for thought.

After I got to the top of that particular tower, I found myself back on the rooftop of Hyrule Castle. Fun!

I had to time my jumps carefully because there was a nasty thunderstorm going on (ooh, ominous!) and the wind was really strong. But eventually I prevailed, and found myself back at Zelda's tower.

We made our way into Zelda's room...and Midna promptly fell on the floor.

Pathetic. Well, at least she's asking for help for me.

Oh, look! It's Zelda! She's alive!

Why is she all cowled and mysterious again? I already know what she looks like.

She told me to go to the Sacred Grove and get the Master Sword! YES! I can finally ditch that crappy Ordon Sword or whatever it's called! Let's go right now!

Oh, right, Midna still needs to be healed. Uh...

What's she doing? Why is she glowing? WAIT, DID SHE JUST DISAPPEAR? WHERE DID SHE GO? ZELDA!!!


She's gone. Link is totally devastated. The love of his life...gone! Where could she be?!

Fine, whatever. You don't have to snap at me or anything. You're not the one who just lost your true love! You don't understand me! Go away!

After Link was done crying in a corner, Midna teleported us back to Hyrule Field. And right after we left...this thing appeared around the castle.

That's ominous.

Midna can't figure out what that thing is either. I guess it's really mysterious when even the resident know-it-all/slavedriver doesn't know what it is.

And with that...we were on our way!

Next time: The Master Sword...I think.