Thursday, July 28, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 4: Oh, Right, I Gotta Look For Those Kids

Okay, I got some time to play, so I played.

When I left off last time, I had just been sent to Eldin Province to save it from...something. The first thing I had to do was get there. Good thing they didn't tell me where to go!

I ended up wandering all over Hyrule Field, going down all the wrong roads until the sun went down (enjoying the synthesized singing in the background) and finally wandered in the right direction. Until...I was interrupted.


Okay, meeting him at night wasn't so bad, but I hate meeting this guy during the day. I go into Hyrule Field, the music is all awesome, and I get all fired up to do some cool stuff...and then this fool shows up and interrupts everything.

Oh, I wish I could flee. Because I would.

After I managed to shoo the mailman away (and he ran off like the weirdo he is) I finally managed to find the door to the Twilight.

After I went through the door of Twilight and became a wolf, Midna immediately started in on me again. What a jerk.

Someday...someday I'm going to bite her...and she's going to regret it.

Okay, anyway, we kept running, and found my old wooden sword on the ground abandoned. Midna told me to sniff it, so I did...and BAM! I was on the scent!

I'm not sure if this girl still has a crush on me, but she showed up in my memories anyway.

Yeah! I'm just like Lassie! Let's go!

We followed the scent, sniffing like champions, for like 2 seconds, until this popped up.

Thanks, Captain Obvious. I was just going to run across the gap. Let me guess, that random bridge I saw leaning against a cliff back in Faron Woods is supposed to go here. Midna offered to teleport me back to the forest, giving me two different locations to choose from. On a hunch, I chose Northern Faron Woods...and look at that. What is that I see in the distance?

Yep! Look at that! She teleported me two feet away from it.

So, Midna used her super-strength to magically lift the bridge.

That's some you've got there.

So, she teleported the entire bridge back to where it was supposed to be, and we crossed over and continued to a gate, where Midna had this to say:

Well, clearly they're guarding the way, you idiot. Our task is to kill them!

So we dispatched the enemies and continued to follow the scent trail.

This is so much fun.

Eventually we made our way to Kakariko Village, where the Eldin Province spirit was waiting for me. gave me the new Tears Container thing and sent me on my way, so I promptly broke into the closest house...where most of the town was huddled inside, hiding.

So, this guy is a total douche. Just sayin'.

Look at him. He's scaring the children!

Eventually, as the scary music got louder and louder, Renado shouted some sense into him.

Coward. I've got your number.

After the cutscene got over, Midna chose this time to talk about how no one can see me, and I'm doomed to toil in obscurity forever. Link doesn't care about toiling in obscurity. Right now he's worrying about whether Zelda is going to turn into a shadow beast or something.

Well, thanks for the pep talk, I guess. Let's go find those Tears of Light.

I left the building and explored the town a bit. Along the way I found this helpful sign.

How useful. It's almost like they don't want us to go up this little hill. Or is it the game creators trying to get us to go up the hill? Ohh, sneaky. I decided to go up the hill. You know, because I had a hunch.

Okay, that's it. Rules were meant to be broken, and obviously they want me to break this one. I jumped across the gap and headed inside the building, and...

SUCCESS! There was a bug hiding inside. After I killed it, I explored the building some more and spotted a chest sitting in the corner. I forgot Wolf Link can still open chests.

And this one contained a grand total of...20 rupees! What a windfall.

I figured I might as well wreck up the place some more while I was there, since it was pretty much in shambles anyway. So I knocked over all the dressers.

So I made my way through the town, looking for more bugs, and ended up at the cowardly guy's house, which happened to be packed with explosives. I like how there were signs all over the place saying fire is dangerous, but there's still a convenient lamp burning on the floor just within my reach. So I did the rational thing and set the whole place on fire.

I may or may not have died a couple of times because I forgot you're supposed to just leave after the place starts burning down.

So, I fled the burning building just in time for it to go all explodey, which very conveniently killed three more bugs.

That got all of the bugs in the village area, so I had to proceed to Death Mountain, where the Gorons left one solitary lackey to guard the way. Midna commented about how the path was impassable, but she could get me past it. Doesn't that make it...not impassable? I'm just saying.

That was easy.

While I was wandering up the path to Death Mountain, I found a howling stone!

I have to say I always found the howling stones kind of lame, but at the same time, I'm glad they used the Song of Healing from Majora's Mask for this one. Nice little shoutout to a game a lot of people didn't like.

So anyway, the golden wolf showed up, and we howled our little song, and then after it was over the wolf showed up on the Faron Woods. Nice. So I have to trek all the way back down there after everything's done to get my new ability? Whatever, dog.

So, I continued on my way, and eventually found another Goron.

Nice speech, guy. I can tell why they left you down here to guard the entrance. I mean, no one can get past it anyway.

Well, on to the last bug. I'm glad these things are weak enough to die in one hit, or it would be way more annoying to do this.

So I grabbed the last tear, and all was right with the world. Except for the following picture, which is all blurry because the scene started to shift right when I took the picture.

And then...Eldin showed up. You know, I really like how I get magically transported down to the spirit spring whenever I find all the tears. It saves me a good 15 minutes of schlepping back down to wherever it is I need to go.

Since I was human again, the kids could see me, and there was a tearful kid reunion. And all was well with the world...for now.

I'm outta time, so I had to stop playing at this point, sadly. Next time: Bronco wrangling (I think!) and more Gorons!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 3: Link's Simian Adventure

Today, in my saving-the-world adventures...

It was time to do the Forest Temple. Dungeons tend to be my least favorite things to do in Zelda games, but it had to be done, so I soldiered on. The first thing I encountered was a monkey in a cage.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I freed the monkey from her cage. She promptly climbed the vines and beckoned me to follow her.

Well, thank you, Captain Obvious. What was your first clue? The red bow on her head, or the fact that we've seen this monkey no less than twice before?

Okay, whatever. I followed the monkey into the main room of the temple. After lighting a couple of torches, I was able to proceed to a door with a chest next to it. The chest contained...

After I was done ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the map, the monkey wanted me to follow her through the door, so I did. On the other side, we were greeted by another monkey throwing the Gale Boomerang around and slapping his ass at us. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a taunt or a come-on. To either of us. Uh, okay.

Something like that.

There was nowhere else to go in that room for now, so I had to go back and let the monkey lead me to another room. A couple of dead spiders later, I accidentally bombed a cracked wall and uncovered...this.

Cool, another dungeon gimmick I never used. Let's move on.

Actually, Link kind of looks like he's growing fangs in that picture. Vampire Link? That could be...interesting.

I continued to let the monkey lead the way. This could end badly. But in the meantime, we found a room with another trapped monkey.

Visions of being followed by a veritable herd of monkeys swimming through my head, I freed him. On the way out, the monkeys promptly displayed their amazing monkey abilities.

I tried to swing across and promptly fell. At least there was ground beneath me, right? We continued on.

In another room, I freed a third monkey, and then I found this!

I kept exploring and found another monkey. The picture looks like he's about to headbutt me, but he was actually clapping. These monkeys really like clapping for some reason.

Eventually I had four monkeys following me around. I assure you there are four in the following picture, although one of them is leaping up and gesturing at me to follow it, so you kinda can't see it.

After I freed the fourth monkey, they led me to the room containing the big monkey with the Gale Boomerang. To get to it, I had to swing from monkey to monkey across the big gap...It was nerve-wracking, but I did it without any major problems.

The monkey wants to dance, does he? Well, LET'S GET CRAZY!

Bring it, monkey.

So he kept leaping from totem pole to totem pole, throwing the boomerang at me and dancing. I had to roll into the totem poles and knock him off balance so the boomerang would hit him and knock him off. Then I had to hit him on the ass with my sword. This was strangely satisfying for some reason.

Eventually, I was able to vanquish him. That monkey is totally afraid of me.

Suddenly he's embarrassed that I can see his ass, I guess. Or maybe the crazy bug that's controlling his mind realized I'm on to him. Anyway, the bug fell off the monkey's head, and the highly embarrassed monkey ran off and disappeared through the hole on the wall. Meanwhile, I saw something shiny on the floor...

Yay! My first order of business was to get the door leading out of this room to open. I had to hit the...shutter thing with the boomerang three times before the door would open. I guess it's been a long time since the last time anyone was locked in the room with a crazy monkey trying to kill them, or something.

After I left the room, Midna popped up and suggested I find the rest of the monkeys to see what I could get out of it. Okay, Ms. Mercenary.

My second order of business was to make my way across several bridges in the next room so I could free yet another monkey. I'm not really going to end up with a horde of monkeys following me, am I? Ugh...

After freeing the fifth monkey, I made my way back to the starting area (I think) and found the Compass.

Yay, I can finally see where the treasure chests are!

So, I kept on exploring with my new gadget, and found the Big Key as well.

According to the map, I still had two more monkeys to find. I made my way through the rooms I could get to now that I had the Gale Boomerang. Eventually I reached a large room with several platforms on it, where the monkeys I'd found were sitting waiting for...something. Midna popped up again and said it looked like I'd have to find the rest of the monkeys to finish the rest of the dungeon. Well, DUH. Clearly Midna's never helped anyone in her life before unless there was something in it for her.

Well, anyway, I could see the door to the Boss Room in the distance, but there was currently no way to get to it.

On the right side of the room, I could see some bridges and a wall I'd have to make my way up to get to the next monkey. It was right about this time that I started thinking, "Why did I want to play this game again?"

Oh well. Many more adventures later, I freed the last two monkeys and went back to the main room with the monkey platforms. Except this time...they made a monkey chain.

I...I'd have to swing on the monkey chain to get to the boss room. This is gonna be...really easy, actually. Swinging from monkey to monkey was more difficult. Anyway...I entered the boss room.


But it got worse. I was supposed to use the Gale Boomerang to carry a bomb from a bomb bug to both of those fangy head things...and after that, things really got nasty!

This time the plan changed a bit. The monkey whose ass I beat earlier showed up and starting swinging his way across the room holding a bomb bug. I had to use the Gale Boomerang to grab a bomb from the moving target and carry it to the eye of the big monster in the center. This was surprisingly easy.

However, it was just about that time that my nunchuk bugged out and I couldn't control Link anymore. This happened a ton of times the last time I played through the game, but I'd managed to forget all about it. The control stick somehow got reset while I was using it and "running to the right" became the neutral position. Anyway, I got stuck running in the wrong direction and ran into the purple goo, wasting my one bottled fairy and then killing myself in the process. After I managed to start the game over, I had to reseat the batteries in my Wii remote. What a waste of time.

Okay, anyway. Back to the boss. Once I got my Wii remote issues straightened out, the boss went down without a hitch, leaving a Heart Container in its wake.

Then the boss disintegrated, and the...dark matter inside it became a Fused Shadow.

Finding this thing made Midna happy. I should probably be wary about this. Things that make Midna happy don't tend to make me happy.

She says she'll tell me what the Fused Shadows are for if I promise to do whatever she says. I don't see any way this could end badly. Okay!

After I grabbed the Heart Container, Midna teleported me back to the forest spring, where...somebody told me to go find "the spirit Eldin" presumably in Eldin Province. The spirit said the people I seek were there. Link still has Zelda on his mind, of course, so he has no idea who it is we're supposed to be looking for. I guess that's why I'm the one playing the game, and not him.

Before I left for Eldin Province, though, I had to swing through town and see if anyone missed me.

I like how the town store is still open even though the shop owner's kids are missing. She closed the store when her cat was missing, but not her own children? Nice priorities, there.

When I swung by Rusl's place, his wife wouldn't wake him up to tell him I was safe because he'd just fallen asleep. I attempted to talk to him anyway.

Well, okay, whatever.

I also stopped by my house to check out the basement. I'd never realized the house had a basement before. Now that I had a lantern, I wanted to explore it. First I found a chest containing 50 rupees. The game said I'd "forgotten all about it". I hope I wasn't saving that for something important.

I also found a mirror and stood there gazing at myself for a while. I'm sure Link was wondering if he was handsome enough for Zelda to ever be interested in him.

On another shelf, I found something else very interesting.

Apparently Link has a secret stash of booze. This could come in handy later.

And that ends my adventures for today. Check back next time for Kakariko Village, or wherever it is I'm supposed to end up!