Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 23: IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!

Hello and welcome to my final Twilight Princess post. I finally got a chance to finish the game, so here we are. As for the thread title, you'll have to forgive me if I hum a little Europe while I write this.

The first thing I had to do when I turned the game on was warp to Kakariko Village and get rid of my money so I could loot the treasure room right before starting the Ganondorf encounter. This way I could go to the treasure room and take the rest of the rupees out of it. This was negated by the fact that I completely forgot to save before I actually started the Ganondorf fight, but whatever, I don't see myself turning the game on again anytime soon.

Uh, did I just say that? I mean...I'll go get those Rupees again, uh, right away and finish doing everything else in the game.

Aww, who am I kidding? I didn't 100% Wind Waker either. Let's just move on.

So, anyway. I unlocked the final Boss Door and was treated to an ominous view of the outside of Hyrule Castle's throne room.

Scary. Look at those freaky clouds.

So. I made my way through the Boss Door and headed up the stairs, trying not to let the scary clouds intimidate me as I did so.

And after I got up the stairs, I found...the final doorway! This is the place where I should have saved my game for the last time, but...whatever. I'll live.

So. Deep breath, and...let's do this!

The first thing we saw when we walked into the throne room was a statue's broken-off head (how dare he!) and then we heard an evil laugh. A familiar evil laugh.

And then we saw...ZELDA! Gasp! She's alive!

Her headpiece/crown thing wasn't so psychedelic in the game. It's my fault for taking pictures of the screen with a cell phone camera. But I digress. Anyway, Link was totally invigorated by this.

Yeah! Let's do this! For Zelda, his love!

It was right about that time that Ganondorf rudely interrupted Link's reverie.

In case you can't read that, it says, "Welcome to my castle." What an arrogant, evil jerk! And there are more broken bits of statue scattered around the throne. I think someone had a tantrum while waiting for Link to come confront him. Well, we're here now, jerk!

Look at him. He's been waiting a long time for this. Sorry Ganny, I was too busy collecting rupees, killing Poes and trying to kill the mailman. I'll try to do better next time.

Late to the party, Midna, but whatever. Yes, that's Ganondorf.

Sad Ganondorf needs a hug. But we're not going to give it to him!

HA HA. Because she's been through hell to get here, right? Nice one, Midna. Or maybe I'm reading too much into this. Either way, she needs to stop with the creepy smile.

ZING! Okay, that's the last straw. Ganondorf is totally going down.

There he goes, showing off his Triforce again. We get it. YOU HAVE THE TRIFORCE OF POWER. Let's move on!

Angry Midna is angry! And she'll risk everything to deny Ganondorf! This is serious stuff, here.

Oh, we will. We'll deny you 'til the cows come home! Or, uh...goats, I guess.

So Ganondorf started to cast a nefarious-looking spell aimed at Zelda, and Midna threw herself in front of Zelda to protect her. Predictably, this failed to protect Zelda at all, but Midna gets points for trying, I guess.

This isn't going to end badly at all. I can feel it.

After the spell was over, Midna tried to do...something...but it failed, of course.

It...didn't work. At all. Zelda opened her eyes and they were all creepy! And then she started flying around and acting crazy. Looks like Ganondorf possessed her despite Midna's best efforts.

She called us fools! How dare she! Oh, wait, she's possessed by Ganondorf. So he's the one actually delivering the insults. Well, we'll just add this to our list of grievances against him.

Yeah, okay, whatever. You just try to hurt me with those spindly arms of yours. Go ahead. I dare you.

There was a lot of, "Don't look up her skirt, Link! Don't look up her skirt!" during this fight.

So basically, she floated around in the air shooting balls of electricity at me, which I had to reflect back at her with the Master Sword, kind of like another Ganondorf fight I remember so well, complete with the same music. Occasionally she made a Triforce triangle show up on the floor under my feet, which I had to run off of before it hurt me. Other times she dived at me with the sword held straight out in front of her, which was...pretty ridiculous, actually. But whatever. Eventually I reflected enough electricity at her to make Ganondorf let her go.


Yay! She's back to normal! Midna and I are a great team, even though Midna didn't really do anything during this fight. But whatever.

But what's this? Ganondorf isn't defeated yet? Well, what a surprise.

Time for the fight that utilizes Wolf Link. I guess it makes sense that there would be one. When he charged at me, I had to use Midna's hand/hair thing to grab him and throw him on his side, then attack the big white scar on his belly. This was easier said than done, because it's really easy to press A too early, leap for Beast Ganon's throat, and get deflected (and injured) by the massive tusks. I cheated a little bit on this fight, because I'm pretty sure you're supposed to stay in wolf form for the whole fight, but I switched back to human form and used the Master Sword to hit him. That ended things pretty quick, and soon enough Beast Ganon was vanquished. Are we done yet?

And then he started, like, melting or something. But I didn't even throw any water on him!

In the meantime, suddenly Midna started glowing, and then a glowy something emerged from her and went into Zelda. Must have been Zelda's spirit or something. And then...Zelda woke up!

Link practically had to be restrained from ravishing her immediately.

Easy, boy. There'll be plenty of time after the game is over.

But again, we were interrupted. This time, Ganondorf's flaming face was hovering above the throne room floor. But Midna wasn't going to let him do anything to us! She got out the Fused Shadows again and turned back into Spider-Midna. Link tried to stop her from doing something stupid, but it was no use - she teleported me and Zelda to the middle of Hyrule Field.

Well, at least we're alone, right? Before Link could take advantage of this opportunity, though, we saw a loud explosion from the vicinity of Hyrule Castle! Oh noes!

It's Ganondorf! Clearly whatever Midna tried didn't work. I always thought it was a little weird that they never showed what happened between Midna and Ganondorf, but maybe they just couldn't think of anything. Of course, maybe they thought it would be better not to show the fight, since Midna's supposed to be super-strong with the Fused Shadows, but both of the characters are pretty much wearing Plot Armor, so...yeah. They're just leaving it a mystery, I guess.

Well, anyway, Ganondorf was somehow still alive. And he had Midna's helmet, which he then shattered into a million pieces and dropped on the ground. It was just about that time that a bunch of ghostly riders showed up and they all started galloping toward us, swords out. Time to call on the goddesses, I guess!

Just as it seemed Ganondorf was about to trample us on his horse (where did he find the horse all of a sudden, anyway?) Zelda and I found ourselves transported to some other plane of existence, where the goddesses were waiting to bestow their glowy orbs powers upon me.

I can't wait to get whatever it is they're going to give me. I'm sure it'll be awesome! Just like all the other awesome things I've found so far...

Buh? They're giving them to Zelda? item collection...well, I guess it makes sense. Just don't steal my bow again, woman.

Then she asked me to lend her the last of my power. If this means I'm letting her use my bow, she can forget it. And with that, we were transported back to Hyrule, having magically found Epona somewhere along the way.

Time for yet another showdown! This time Zelda and I had to chase Ganondorf around Hyrule Field. It was my job to avoid the ghostly riders and various things Ganondorf was shooting at us, all while keeping the bad guy targeted so Zelda could shoot him with Light Arrows. This made Ganondorf spaz out briefly so I could gallop up next to him and hit him with the Master Sword. What fun!

The sky is oddly blue in the above photo for some reason. Well, whatever. This fight actually didn't take very long at all. I can remember it taking forever the last couple of times I did it, mostly due to my failure at steering. But whatever. I hit Ganondorf with the Master Sword for the last time, and he and his horse both bit the dust pretty good and slid a few feet across the ground for good measure. I almost felt sorry for the horse, but it has red eyes, so it must be evil, right?

Link and Zelda watched the whole thing go down. I could almost hear them going, "Is this over yet?"

Also, yes, I fail at keeping the TV screen centered in the camera's viewfinder.

As per usual, Ganondorf was down for the count, but not out. When he finally struggled to his feet, he monologued about his desire, which was to destroy the world or something (what else is new) and then pulled out a wimpy little rapier-looking sword. Zelda tried to help me, but golden walls appeared around Ganondorf and me. It was time...for the final duel!

This fight is basically a glorified Darknut fight. I had to avoid his attacks and then hit him with the Master Sword whenever I could roll around behind him or whatever and get past his guard. Occasionally a "Chance" ability would pop up, Ganondorf and I would cross swords, and I'd have to press A a zillion times to force Ganondorf's sword back. Epic and all, but kinda cheesy all the same. Well, whatever. As has happened thousands of times before, Ganondorf eventually fell before the might of the Master Sword. Well, technically he got it stuck through his middle, but whatever. Either way, he didn't like it very much.

Of course it doesn't. They haven't retired this series yet.

He babbled a little bit about bathing the worlds of light and shadow in blood, or something (creepy) and then tried to do something with his Triforce...and was stunned when it faded from his hand. At the same time, the scene changed to Zant back in the world of twilight...who snapped his own neck, presumably because he was crazy. But anyway. Ganondorf...was finished.

With that, Ganondorf collapsed to the ground, and our attention was directed to some point in the distance, where the goddesses were grouped around a shadowy figure on the ground...

Link immediately started running toward her. When he got to her, though, she was huddled on the ground, looking totally different. ZOMG! They turned her back into her usual self!

Gulp. Link just forgot all about Zelda.

Yep. Zelda's completely forgotten. As for Ilia, she's just a footnote now. Too bad.

And then it was credits time! We were treated to various scenic views of Hyrule, and eventually shots of the kids (finally) returning to their village. There was also a clip of the head Moblin guy running around on his boar with a couple of his friends. Truly, he never dies.

After most of the credits were over, though, the action shifted to the Mirror of Twilight, where everybody was just chilling, apparently.

Not for long, if Link has anything to say about it.

I do, too. It's because you're Link's true love! Just admit it already!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Zelda, could you leave? Midna and I need a private moment now.

Wait. Why does she look so sad? Zelda? What's she going to do?

She cracked the mirror! Uh oh...this is bad...somebody stop her! My one twoo love, no!!!

She's getting away! Midna, NOOOOOOOO!

At some point during this sequence, she said, "See you later!" Why would she say that if she was just going to destroy the mirror?? She's just a dirty tease, that's what she is! Gah!

Sigh. One last look at the only hot Twili ever to exist...

...and then she was gone, and the mirror and Link's heart were both shattered into little itty-bitty pieces, never to be mended again. Sad. But at least the world was saved!

Then there were some more credits. Weird. And one of the shots was of this...

So apparently somebody (presumably Link) wrenched the Master Sword out of Ganondorf's chest after the battle was over and returned it to the Sacred Meadow. I hope that doesn't come back to bite them in the ass later. Because you and I both know it will. At least in Wind Waker they left the sword stuck in Ganondorf's head.

There were also a few shots of Link riding Epona back through Faron Woods, presumably on his way back home to Ilia (and goat herding, unless I miss my guess). Even if he does end up with her, his heart will always belong to Midna. Or maybe Zelda. Or Telma. Or...someone.

And here's the last shot of the game. Yay! They fixed the statue Ganondorf broke!

And...done! Final tally: 35 hours played (I think) and innumerable deaths. I, uh, died at least 15 times, probably more. I don't know if this was because I was more adventurous than in Wind Waker, or what, but still. Yay! Done with another game.

As for my next game, I plan on keeping that a surprise until my next post (although I will tell you it won't be a Zelda game; I just don't think I could finish one in time for Skyward Sword to come out and I don't want to stop one game partway through to play another one). So...yeah. Not sure when my next post will be, but, uh, it'll show up eventually.

Until next time, heroes!


Styve said...

The anticipation and tension of entering the final battle is a little interrupted by the 2 second walk up the stairs to the throne room. Maybe it's because Link has to "choose" to face Ganondorf now that he's seen the ominous tower.

Ganondorf must have the weirdest sense of humor... always laughing. I think he practices his laugh when he's all alone. He was probably doing it while he waited for Link and Midna to show up!

Can you kill the mailman????

Whenever Ganny flashes his triforce of power, I feel like he's flipping me off. Pretty sure that's why he gets the triangle at the top of the triforce; its more risqué. By the by... where does his triforce of power go?? They really need to keep better track of those. They have a tendency of falling into the wrong *cough*Ganondorf's*cough* hands.

Midna doesn't seem to learn that the "throw myself in front of the powerful wave of evil magic" never works. NEVER. It seems noble, but it's stupid noble. Like jumping into a volcano to save someone. Not gonna happen.

You know, I looked up Zelda's skirt and all I saw was darkness. Is that supposed to symbolize something??

I always looked forward to wiping the court with Ganny's ass whenever we play our glow-ball tennis. Ah! AH! ah! AH! Back and forth x5. And.... Eat energy ball, asshat!! He never learns. Terrible technique, too.

Pretty sure I would've died trying to beat Beast Ganny if I hadn't checked my guide. Though I should have been able to figure the "guess which portal" move. Nice they actually integrated the wrangle-and-toss move throughout the game. Works on Goats, Gorons, and Ganny.

Oh! Did Midna's big plans fall through AGAIN?? How in the...?

(Pause here so I can post part two of this apparently giant comment...)

Styve said...

I think there are only three to five horses in all of Hyrule. You'd think they would be more valued and would be bred to NOT have the "has red eyes, must be evil" trait. See, liberals!! Genetics and science is evil!! My horse fight with Ganny took far longer than it should have. I finally figured out that after getting knocked off Epona, I had to get out of the way immediately after getting back on. Otherwise Ganondorf takes a cheap shot and presumably laughs his evil laugh. Jerk.

Really? I worked to return light to all the regions of Hyrule and all the goddesses can give us is arrows?? I HAVE ARROWS! Where is the smiting! And then you give them to HER? I don't recall taking out an entire hidden village with my expert sniping just so Zelda could have her day in the sun. Unfortunately, Link will never be assertive enough to express such thoughts, and so he once again hands over his bow. Why do the women in his life just take, take, take?

The duel with Ganny was the most satisfying. I appreciated the simplicity of a one-on-one fight to the death. Then I got dizzy from rolling behind him, trying to get in a hit. I didn't get to use the "draw" technique, either. As soon as I put away my sword and he got close enough to attack, he attacked me! I'm not sure the "draw" even showed up on my button! As for the final blow, didn't we stab him in the gut a bunch of times as Beast Ganny?? Bowels of steel, I guess.

Yay the game is done! Time for beautiful viewscapes and cheese reunion scenes! Which reminds me... Um, how did you not notice and/or comment on the fact that Rusl's baby had clearly been born a while ago by the time he got back?? And his other kid was still with that creepy guy in Karkariko. Where is the social commentary on deadbeat dads, Nintendo?

Real Midna is pretty stunning. Too bad she's a user. Link go here. Link find this. Link kill that. Link, where is my fused shadow?? I'm glad she smashed the mirror. He doesn't need that kind of emotional confusion, especially since his only employment post-saving-Hyrule is goatherding and that only leaves Ilia... Though maybe Telma needs cooks at her bar? Yeah, that could work. Forget Skyward Sword. Try "Zelda: Cougar Barkeep"!!

Until next time, hero. May the triforce be with you.

adejaan said...

Ha, I forgot all about Rusl's late homecoming. Well, I thought the whole situation was kind of helped by the fact that he was the one that escorted his son and all the other kids back home. But yeah, knowing his wife had to have their kid by herself just makes him look like a negligent jerk.