Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 5: Bronco Bustin'

When we last left off, Link had just managed to save Kakariko Village from the dreaded Twilight plague. On with the show!

My task was to somehow find a way to help the Gorons with whatever their problem was. But first I had to check out the town.

The whole place was pretty much deserted except for Barnes's bomb shop, and he had nothing for sale because of his storehouse mysteriously getting blowed up. *whistles innnocently*

Nothing to see here, folks.

I couldn't remember exactly how I was supposed to go about helping the Gorons, so I decided to pay a visit to Death Mountain to see if I could remember. I climbed my way up the hill, or cliff, or whatever you want to call it, and immediately encountered a Goron.

Yeah, okay. Well, I tried to arm-wrestle the guy, or whatever it was I was supposed to do, but I kept getting thrown off the cliff, so I headed back to town and immediately ran into Renado, who told me my efforts were futile and I was better off heading back home to talk to the mayor.

Thanks, Renado. That information would have been a lot more useful before I got knocked off a cliff twice, but whatever. You just keep on keeping the faith.

After I was done talking to Renado, I heard a pounding of hoofs. It was Epona! Being ridden by a couple of Bokoblins! She managed to shake them off pretty quickly, but kept on coming. Being the idiot I am, I immediately leaped into her path.

She didn't seem too inclined to stop, so at the last second I had to dive out of the way and then jump on her back. Then I had to use the nunchuk to stay on her back while she ran around like a...wild horse. Finally it was over!

After I was done, Midna had to have her say, of course.

Yes, that's right. I'm not completely useless! Thanks for your support, Midna.

Now that I had my horse back, Midna helpfully pointed out that it would be a lot easier to get back to Ordon Village now. Thanks yet again, Captain Obvious. Can we just go now? I'm on a tight schedule here...

I hate you. So much.

Sigh. If I could kill this guy, I totally would. And all he brought me was some letter from Ooccoo. Let me guess. She's going to show up in the Goron Mines. Okay, let's move on.

After that annoying interruption, Epona and I galloped our way back to Ordon Village, where we met the mayor. Who's his daughter, again? I feel like that's important for some reason...

Yeah, hi. Um, I need to talk to you about Gorons?

Oh, right, the kids. They're fine. So, about those Gorons...

For a second Link is forced to stop thinking about Zelda. He totally didn't even notice that Ilia wasn't with the other kids in Kakariko Village. But, uh, she's not there, I guess.

Sorry to disappoint, but, uh, let's hear about those Gorons, huh? We can talk about...Silia, is it? We can discuss her later.

Finally, we can get down to business. The mayor explained the basics of sumo to me and I proceeded to beat him handily.

You know, I think I noticed that last part when I got knocked off a cliff twice. Get to the point already!

For some reason, the mayor doesn't want me to tell anyone about his secret.

...his dirty secret. Okay, mayor. I won't tell anyone about your dirty little secret. I'll play your little game.

Plots of blackmail and extortion floating through my head, I rode back to Kakariko Village. I was just about to head back up Death Mountain when I heard rumbling...

Except the girl was too stupid to run, so Colin had to save her and got himself captured.

Cowardly Douchebag here just put his helmet down and tried not to wet himself.

In a diversion I had completely forgotten even happened before, the Bokoblins took off with Colin and disappeared. As the hero, I was obligated to go after them. They all turned up in Hyrule Field riding on their boars.

Epona and I prepared for an epic battle.

It really wasn't that epic, though, just a lot of galloping around trying to get close enough to the leader of the group so I could hit him with my sword while avoiding the flaming arrows the other guys were shooting at me. It didn't help that my nunchuk bugged out again and I had to reseat my batteries again in the middle of battle. But eventually I was able to chase the leader onto a really big bridge.

I'm not really sure what the point of this was, but whatever. Fortunately I only had to hit the guy once to knock him into the chasm (somehow without Colin). After the bad guy was vanquished, Epona and I had to celebrate our victory as only our hero and his badly-rendered-and-animated horse can.

Sorry, Epona, but that just looks like crap to me. No offense.

After Epona and I were done celebrating, there was a heartwarming cutscene between Colin, everyone else, and me. Yay, Colin is brave now, etc. Let's move on, shall we? There's a princess to save.

So, I headed up to Death Mountain with my new footwear in tow.

The Iron Boots made it easy to dispatch the Gorons trying to stop me from getting up the mountain. As I got to the main Death Mountain area, the mountain started erupting again, and a really big rock landed pretty much right in front of my face. I wonder if this is going to be important later.

Anyway, I slowly made my way up the mountain by bouncing on the backs of the Gorons, who all thought they were boxers for some reason. Whatever. At one point I got to their hot spring and was able to talk to some of them. They all kept referring to me as Brother.

Well, generally people don't start referring to me as Brother until after I prove my worthiness, but I guess I'll take it. I moved on, and eventually made my way to the Gorons' leader, Gor Coron.

He's short for a Goron. But I digress.

There's a catch. Of course there's a catch. There always is in these situations. Okay, just once can I get something or go somewhere without having to "prove my worth" or "help someone" or something else equally moronic? Sigh. I agreed to listen to Gor Coron's sob story about how he's only in charge because their idiot leader, Darbus, went into the mines and touched something he shouldn't have and now he's all molten and crazy.

After storytime was over, Gor Coron challenged me to a duel sumo match, which I promptly won.

Of course I do. I can see you're a pushover!

And with that, the way to the Goron Mines was opened. Joy!

This is where I end for today. Next time: More Goron fun!

1 comment:

Styve said...

Of all the Gorons I've met in the games so far, I still have to say the Ocarina of Time ones are my favorite. They were interesting but simple. Twilight Gorons come a close second, though I find the whole trampoline throw they do and their "healing water" and sumo wrestling to be a bit too much frosting on the cake, ya know? But at least these Gorons actually DO something, unlike others I know... *cough*windwaker*cough*

However, more importantly, why are the Iron Boots a secret???? I suspect thievery from the Gorons... but who knows (other than the Mayor himself, of course). I believe the shady politics of Kakariko Village need a little more scrutiny!