Saturday, August 13, 2011

Twilight Princess Chapter 9: Forgot Some Stuff

You know how in my last post I said Lakebed Temple was next? Yeah, turns out I forgot about a pretty significant chunk of stuff I had to do before I could get to Lakebed Temple. Including, you know, getting the Zora Armor, because as I found out, there was no way I could even get to Lakebed Temple without it. Not that I drowned three times trying to do it anyway or anything.

Thanks, Midna. So the first thing I had to do was get out of Lake Hylia. I searched every nook and cranny of that place looking for a way out before I finally thought to talk to the guy in charge of the launching minigame to get me back up to civilization. Once I did that, I was able to make my way to my destination.

I was determined that Kakariko Village should be my destination, since my guide my instincts told me I could get some Heart Pieces there. But the game thwarted me at every turn. I couldn't get to Kakariko from the north bridge because, as I had forgotten until I got there, there was a giant chunk missing from the bridge. And I couldn't get there taking the south road, because (as I forgot until I got there), the gate was locked and I didn't have the key.

Sigh. So I gave up and trudged into Castle Town to do a little exploring. The first place I stopped at was the fortune-teller's house.

She talks funny. Kind of how you'd expect a bogus fortune-teller to talk.

Yeah, your sales pitch isn't convincing me, woman.

10 Rupees? I guess that isn't so bad. Okay, let's hear it.

Love, eh? Maybe she'll say something about Princess Zelda. Link's crossing his fingers for Princess Zelda.

That's...not exactly what I had in mind, and it's the area I was trying to get to before I came here, but...thanks, lady.

Real helpful. Well, thanks for nothing!

The next house I found was Agitha's house. Agitha is also known as the crazy bug lady in this town. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than being a crazy cat lady.

Cool. Moving right along...

I found the tent where they're doing the STAR minigame next. It might just be me, but...

...this guy gave me a crazy desire to watch Shrek, because he reminds me of Robin Hood's Merry Men in that movie.

Okay, man. It's been real, but I gotta keep moving.

Along the way, I found a bone lying on the ground and re-discovered the simple joys of playing fetch with the neighborhood stray dogs. Of course, this reminded me of playing fetch with my real dog who died, which made me sad, so I moved on.

As I proceeded through Castle Town, I eventually went past Jovani's house, and this cat started following me, trying to look nonchalant. You've already given yourself away, cat!

Here's a hint: subtlety is your friend.

Moving on, I finally found Telma's bar and went inside. I was immediately greeted by a cutscene!

A totally grumpy guy with huge glasses brushed by me and left. Jerk.

I guess this explains why the kid isn't at the actual hospital. But you'd think he'd be there anyway. You know, in case somebody who does know how to treat Zoras shows up. But I digress.

Yay! The deus ex machina Chekhov's gun convenient plot person saves the day! But who will get them to Kakariko Village?

Yeah, because you guys did such a great job defending your own city from Twilight invaders...

Looks like Telma has the same idea.

The soldiers all fled after she said that. Seriously, is anyone surprised that Zelda's army lost to the bad guys? After that? What a bunch of pussies.

Who, me? Oh, I was really don't have to...I'll just be leaving now...I think Princess Zelda needs me...

Cool...well, uh, if you'll just let me get to the door, I've got important things I need to be doing right about now...

I'm sure he'll be fine, he amnesiac and a bar owner to look after him...

Sigh. They convinced me. Something about how the kid is important to me, or something, and it might help get Ilia's memory back. Whose memory? Link's mind is a total blank when it comes to Ilia.

The only way to Kakariko Village is now being guarded by that Bokoblin guy I jousted with before. How did he not die falling off the bridge? I died falling off the bridge. So I die and somehow he gets off scot-free? Lame.

This doesn't look like it's going to end well.

Uh...Bob. Yes. My name is Bob. I've never met you before in my life. Just remember - Bob.

For some reason, I'm imagining this woman speaking with Roseanne Barr's voice. Well, whatever. Let's move on.

Why do I suddenly get the feeling Telma has a crush on Link? It's just a hunch...

Okay, okay, let's get this fiasco on the road...

I led the wagon to the bridge, dodging flaming arrows. Then the wagon stopped!

This isn't going to be fun, is it?

So, the game put me and Epona on the bridge, and we charged at the head Bokoblin, swords swinging...and he deflected me.

Midna suggested using projectiles, so I stood the horse on the bridge and shot arrows at him. No dice. After I died three more times, I decided to keep the horse moving slightly and then shot arrows at the guy. This time it worked! He fell into the chasm again and I got the gate key!

Next came the fun part. I had to escort the wagon through Hyrule Field while fending off Bokoblins shooting flaming arrows and birds dropping bombs on the road. Which reminds me: Telma drives like a crazy person, so this took longer than one might anticipate at first. Well, that and I ran out of arrows and didn't immediately realize I could use the Gale Boomerang to blow up the birds' bombs before they dropped them on the road right in front of the wagon. I also had to use the boomerang to put out the flames on the wagon, which led to some funny stuff. Like the entire wagon just driving along, almost completely engulfed in flames. Like they'd be able to keep going. Well, I don't think anyone was looking for excessive realism in this game.

As soon as the wagon got through the last gate to Kakariko, the game went straight into a cutscene again...

Good thing we had you, Renado.

Then Renado mentioned the Zora kid's dead mom.

Yeah, I've got some bad news for you. And Sad Link needs a hug.

He said something about breaking the news to Ralis gently, or something. Inside the building...

How sweet. She can't even remember her own name, but she looks out for the kid all the same.

You boys have fun with that. Oh, hi, Telma...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want?

I think I know which "skills" she wants me to "put to use" "for Hyrule," here. And I think you do too.

Oh, yeah. I know what she wants. And Link was totally staring at her cleavage until right before I took the picture. Not even joking here.

Yeah, um...well, Princess Zelda and everything...I think she...Okay, whatever.

So Telma walked off to talk to Renado. I was just about to go inside the building where everybody else was when something ghostly and glowing showed up...

It's Rutela! And she wants me to follow her. Well, okay, I guess.

She led me through Kakariko Village, into the graveyard, through a secret passageway, and over to a fancy gravestone.

She thanked me for bringing her son to Kakariko Village, and then said Kakariko Village is the place the Zoras go to die. Uh, okay. Really? This hot, dry, dusty desert is where you, the aquatic fish people, go to die? That just seems ridiculous to me for some reason.

Then she started talking about the Zora Armor, and I perked up.

The headstone slid back, revealing the Zora Armor underneath...and so, yeah, I pretty much robbed this guy's grave. But I had his wife's permission, I guess...

Cool! Now I can swim underwater! It's just what I always wanted -

Oh, the queen is trying to say goodbye. Okay then.

Then she gave me a message to pass on to her son.

And with that...she was gone. Does Link have something in his eye? Must have been a speck of dust, or something. Okay, moving on...

Geez, Midna. Single-minded much? I was just going to go back to Death Mountain and see what happens, but if you insist...

Next time: Lakebed Temple (for reals this time)!

1 comment:

Styve said...

So, as I was trying a tidy spot to save my game after the bug fiasco on the lake, I thought, "Why not head to Castle Town and check on Ilia?"
As soon as I enter the bar, I realize my misstep... a good 30 minutes later (at least) I finally returned those ninnies to Kakariko village. I swear it would've been faster just walking!

By the by, I think the fortune teller lady reveals a location of a piece of heart when you ask about love. Or she's just a dirty tease.

Speaking of... Telma is definitely flirtatious, if not overtly suggestive with Link. Too bad he's in love with Ilia, I mean, Zelda, I mean, oh! there's Telma's face! *sigh*

All in all, this was a lot of work for a pretty blue outfit I'd be willing to pay a couple hundred rupees for.